"Lost Verses" - Sun Kil Moon
I don’t recall every dreaming about getting married when I was a girl. I suppose I must have, right? Doesn’t everyone? I definitely never imagined the dress I’d wear, or the venue, or the way I’d feel like a princess for a day. I never wanted to be a princess. I never wanted to be saved. I wanted to be the person who did the saving.
Sometimes, as an adult now in the beginning of my 30s, I think I’d love to be saved. Maybe I’d like to be rescued, saved, taken away. But not from a dragon or an impossibly tall tower. No, from myself.
I think these thoughts mostly when I’m alone, when I’m in my bed underneath the cheap comforter I bought to replace the one we’d bought jointly, that he took when he moved out along with so many of the other items we’d accumulated or acquired in the nearly two years we lived together.
I think these thoughts when I am alone and unencumbered by the self-consciousness I often feel when around others. Outwardly I’d prefer to project an image of not needing another person, of being fine on my own. Mostly that’s true. I do miss intimate companionship like the kind that comes from a relationship you’ve been in for a long time, but I don’t miss it all the time. I don’t miss the vulnerability of truly connecting on multiple levels with another person in a romantic context. I don’t miss that singular loneliness you can only experience when you are engrossed with another person who you have come to recognize as a stranger even though they share your bed and your home.
And despite those humiliating moments when I find myself feeling utterly unloveable and convinced I’m going to spend the rest of my life floating in an out of unfulfilling relationships only to eventually wind up spending my aging years in a sort of “Grey Gardens” type scenario — yes, despite even those — I remind myself how much I’d rather be truly alone than just feel alone with another person. I think feeling alone with another person is the worst kind of loneliness.
So fuck that. I don’t need or want someone else to save me. I’m going to save myself. Or even better, maybe I’ll eventually come to realize I don’t need saving at all.
Is revitalizing this akin to beating a dead horse? Most likely. Will that stop me? Probably not.
About seven or eight months ago, I broke up with the man to whom I’d gotten engaged. I’d already stopped wearing the ring and told him I couldn’t do it long before we actually broke up the relationship.
It’s been a very hard eight months. Our breakup came on the heels of the loss of my job, the death of my beloved grandfather and the suicide of my best friend’s younger brother. It came at a time where I felt I needed emotional support and couldn’t give it. I realized I could no longer remain in a situation where I was no longer happy and where the negative aspects had long since started to far outweigh the positives. And I can’t imagine he felt much differently. It has been hard, at times, overwhelmingly so, but the one aspect in which I’ve never wavered is in knowing I made the best choice for myself. Is that selfish? Probably. But I only get one life and it’s mine to live and I’m going to keep chasing that dream of finding true love and happiness even if it seems unrealistic and futile.
Toni Tennille filed for divorce from Daryl Dragon.
Lately I can’t seem to stop thinking about all of the things I regret. Sometimes my own thoughts make me feel almost paralyzed, crippled. But it’s a strange paralysis, one in which I just keep going through the motions but in a sort of haze. Inertia? I don’t know if I’m on the right path and I’m afraid.
How did I get here? What am I looking for?
I can’t stop thinking about the past when what I should be doing is looking to the future.
I particularly like this line from Hemingway to his wife Mary:
“Please write me Pickle. If it were a job you had to do you’d do it. It’s tough as hell without you and I’m doing it straight but I miss you so [I] could die. If anything happened to you I’d die the way an animal will die in the Zoo if something happens to his mate.”